ON THE HIGHWAY TO HELL (My special advanced review of HELLBOY II: THE GOLDEN ARMY)

After an ancient truce existing between humankind and the invisible realm of the fantastic is broken, hell on Earth is ready to erupt. It’s up to the planet’s toughest superhero to battle the merciless dictator that broke the truce and to restore peace and order. He may be red. He may be horned. He may be the occasional sloppy drunk. But when you need the job done right, it’s time to call in Hellboy (Ron Perlman). Along with his team at the Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense, pyrokinetic girlfriend Liz (Selma Blair), aquatic empath Abe Sapien(Doug Jones), and new member protoplasmic mystic Johann Kraus (voiced by Seth MacFarlane), the BPRD (located in Trenton, NJ, represent!) will travel between the surface strata and the unseen magical one, where creatures of fantasy become corporeal.

A sad fact of life is that you only remember the acting usually when it is bad, not when it is good. I am happy to say though that everyone involved with this project did a great job so I will give the devils their due here (Pun very much intended). Ron Perlman was brilliant as Hellboy once again as he continues to reprise the role that feeds his fanboy fanbase. Selma Blair also did a fantastic job as the only pyrokinetic that can light Hellboy’s fires. Doug Jones is an extremely underrated actor and a better man than me for putting on that fish suit for every day of filming. Seth MacFarlane did a solid job playing the voice of Johann Kraus. MacFarlane was a nice surprise and will probably fill a few seats just by drawing in some simpletons looking for a Family Guy reference.

If you are a fan of Hellboy, then you are thrilled at what visual effects guru and fellow geek Guillermo Del Toro did differently from the first movie. First off, he did not constantly beat you over the head with the comic’s two main themes, like in the first Hellboy. These themes of course being that Hellboy is the son of the devil that must always choose between the tempting forces of darkness or the human domain that he dwells in; and that the love he shares with Liz is always difficult due to their different backgrounds, like a demonic Romeo and Juliet. This would not be Hellboy if those themes were not present, but they are more cleverly and carefully woven into the story this time so that you do not tire of them when they creep into view.

Because of the better use of themes, Del Toro was able to concentrate more on what Hellboy does best: explore the things that go bump in the night. The things that go bump were amazing and the fact that Del Toro worked so many different ones into this story makes this Hellboy truly worthy of the big screen.

And being on the big screen, this was one of the most visually stunning movies I had seen in a long time. You cannot tell where the costumes stop and the CGI begin with this one. Even when Hellboy is fighting a 50 ft. earth elemental, it moves so fluidly that you cannot tell if it is being CGI’d or that Del Toro actually built a 50 ft. creature (even if it was most likely CGI’d) and it just helped the movie pull you in more.

Not that it needed much help pulling you in since the story grabs hold of you from the very first scene and doesn’t let you go until the credits start to roll. With different plot angles playing out at a breakneck pace, fight scenes that you wish would never end, and light comedic moments to connect it all together, the story does not drag at all throughout the entire 1 hour and 50 minutes of the movie. Even if not a Hellboy fan, you cannot help but enjoy the fantastic story and dynamic characters that Del Toro develops and weaves into the movie like some amazing cinema seamstress.

Another thing done well was that Del Toro made this feel episodic, truly like a comic book story. He constantly reminds you that this is just one of the many adventures that the BPRD has and hints at the possibility of more, unlike in the first movie which seemed more like a one shot adventure movie, not a comic book.

The final thing that I can say that I enjoyed was that Del Toro showed more of the relationship between Abe Sapien and Hellboy. They are supposedly great friends, yet they seemed very distant in the first movie. In Hellboy II, you see them bond and talk about deep things with each other, something that I think you were missing from the first movie and it really took away from the Abe Sapien character. Adding that depth to Abe was key to my enjoying this movie.

The best thing though about the Hellboy series is that no matter how big or little a fan you are, you can walk into any story arc with little to no knowledge of what came before it and still enjoy it. “Hellboy II: The Golden Army” continues this great tradition with another stand alone tale of how Earth’s most misunderstood group of heroes save our butts with us none the wiser. With how Guillermo Del Toro was able to stay so true to the comics and still produce such a high quality product that Hellboy newbies could enjoy, I have to give “Hellboy II: The Golden Army” 5 hellfire fists out of 5.

-Ray Carsillo

SEGA FINALLY GOT SOMETHING RIGHT (Mostly) AND IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH A BLUE HEDGEHOG (My review of the Incredible Hulk Video Game)

Since the 8 bit revolution began over 20 years ago, there has been a marriage between movies, video games, and comics. Movies and video games have taken comics into their realms for over two decades and only a handful of times have they gotten it right. An even rarer occurrence has been a movie based on a comic being turned into a video game successfully. This is one of those rare happy occurrences that make geeks like me smile.

For years they had been attempting to achieve that ménage trios, like the dreams of the horny 19 year old college frat boy. Then came the game based off the first Spider-Man movie and geeks everywhere experienced their geek-gasms in unison. Something had been accomplished that we had always thought was a mere fantasy. A game based on a movie based on a comic and they all kicked butt. Then Spider-Man 2 came out and they did it AGAIN and they did it BETTER because of their experience. And like most men who can achieve the fantasy, once and you are lucky, but if you can achieve it twice then you are the stuff of legends. Three times is simply impossible unless you are Hugh Hefner.

Time passed. As expected in our collective geek sub-conscious, every game based on a comic book movie since has sucked. Iron Man was far too short and too simple. Spider-Man 3 regressed to something that might have fit on the N64 or 32X. Most other comic book movies never even made it past that phase because they sucked to begin with. We kept buying the games and seeing the movies, hoping something would change, knowing it was a fantasy that most of us would never even come close to seeing. Looks like someone just got their invite to the Playboy Mansion of geek-dom.

The Incredible Hulk video game is a throw back to Spider-Man 2 the video game. New York City is expansive and open-ended. You have a choice of which order you complete your missions and there is a slew of mini-games and side quests to collect points towards upgrades. The controls are a little unresponsive at times and the camera not always being centered behind Hulk becomes a bit troublesome at points, but aside from that this is a solid comic book movie video game. The most exciting part for me was much like in Spider-Man 2, when you leap from the Empire State Building and the buildings start whizzing by you as the concrete comes closer and closer and you actually feel it a little in your gut. It made you feel as if you were in the game and that is the purpose of movies and video games and comics. To immerse yourself in another world and when they successfully allow you to do that, in my mind, the product will be praised as a rousing success.

The plot follows the movie to drive it, but the addition of other Hulk villains such as the U-Foes and the Bi-Beast and allies like Rick Jones gives you enough of a comic book experience to leave even the hardest of Hulk fans happy. All characters that appear in the movie are happily voiced by their real life counterparts, but unfortunately the voice acting came across a little forced and the cut-scenes were not as crisp as they could have been. There was an overall lack of music from the movie, which saddened me greatly that the TV Theme was not used like it was in the movie. I do not know if Sega could not get the rights, but the lack of a musical score did hurt the overall experience. Overall, though, with unlockables out the yin yang, solid action, a great physics system, and a great representation of the Hulk’s strength and invunerabilty with classic rage attacks like the ground pound and thunderclap, I would call this game a must pick up for comic book fans much like the movie was a must see.

Rankings are based on a score of 1 to 10 with 10 being the best.

Graphics: 7.5: Not spectacular graphics, but that is what you get when you deal with Sega. They are so used to dealing with cartoons that they forget what it is like to try and render actual people and objects. A lack of explosions from cars, so-so smash marks on buildings, and people that just don’t look right and you can understand this score. The point that Sega shines of course is with the Hulk, U-Foes, Bi-Beast, and other unrealistic things because, again, they are used to dealing more with cartoons.

Audio: 7.0: A lack of music in the overall background and poor voice acting brings this score down. Liv Tyler and Edward Norton didn’t know how to handle themselves in front of a microphone? Come on! The least they could have done was throw me the TV Theme like in the movie. The SFX were really solid though. Very accurate and believable and that is what saves this score.

Plot/Plot Development: 10.0: They nailed this. They gave us everything we wanted. They threw us right into the Hulk’s shoes and followed an awesome movie script. Then they added in the obligatory extra villains and allies to flesh the game out and did a spectacular job of it. The missions all made sense and the story made sense. I give Sega kudos on this one.

Gameplay: 9.0: For the most part, the game did what I wanted it to do. The only problems really came about with the camera, which they should have maintained directly behind the Hulk at all times. Trying to work the camera in the middle of a brawl was a nuisance that I battled my way through just like the Bi-Beast or the Abomination. Otherwise, this was great. The physics engine was superb and like I mentioned before, when I feel like I am falling from the top of the Empire State Building, I am a happy camper.

Replay Value: 7.5: If you are a comic book geek then there is plenty for you to do after beating the Abomination. Trying to raise your score to obtain all the upgrades, finding comic books, collection landmark tokens, jump challenges, mini-games, and of course maxing out your health and rage bars. If you are a more casual gamer, you are probably just happy with beating the game and letting it sit on your shelves. That is why this game does not get a perfect score, because it does not appeal to everyone. It only appeals to hardcore gamers and that is okay, but not good enough.

Overall: (not an average) 8.5: This was a great game and I loved playing it. Lack of the movie soundtrack and poor voice acting takes away from the experience. I cannot remember a game where I did not want to see the cutscene. Usually in games, that is your reward for doing a good job. With this, I just wanted to keep smashing stuff and that is where this game truly shines. The physics engine is superb and the thought of tearing NYC apart as the Hulk on a rampage brings a smile to my face just typing it here. The game lacks the necessary polish to make it an overall superb gaming experience though. Possibly Sega was rushed due to wanting to release the game with the movie. No excuses though. Next time maybe they should stick to their blue hedgehogs if they are not willing to put the necessary final touches on a game that was so wonderful otherwise. So close Sega, yet still so far.

-Ray Carsillo

MORE MOVIES LIKE THIS IS WHAT WE WANT! (My special advanced review of WANTED)

WANTED is everything we WANT from our action movies from now on. Non-stop action, twisting plot lines, no-holds barred attitude, sprinkle it with some comedy and great acting and you get 1 hour and 44 minutes that had me cheering by the time the credits started to roll.

The movie begins by opening up on our protagonist, Wes (James McAvoy), the most disenchanted, cube-dwelling, rat-race accepting drone the planet had ever known. His boss chewed him out hourly, his girlfriend cheated on him and belittled him daily, and his life plodded on interminably. Everyone was certain this disengaged slacker would amount to nothing. There was little else for Wes to do but wile away the days and die in his slow, clock-punching rut.

The movie begins by opening up on our protagonist, Wes (James McAvoy), the most disenchanted, cube-dwelling, rat-race accepting drone the planet had ever known. His boss chewed him out hourly, his girlfriend cheated on him and belittled him daily, and his life plodded on interminably. Everyone was certain this disengaged slacker would amount to nothing. There was little else for Wes to do but wile away the days and die in his slow, clock-punching rut.

Then he meets everything he ever wanted in a woman named Fox (Angelina Jolie). After his estranged father is supposedly murdered, the deadly, sexy Fox recruits Wes into the Fraternity, a secret society that trains Wes in how to avenge his dad’s death by unlocking his dormant “powers”, a super rush of adrenaline he feels when threatened that raises his heartbeat to more than 400 beats per minute and allows him to see things as if in super slow motion, thus granting him lightning-quick reflexes and phenomenal agility. Wes also learns about the Fraternity’s ancient, unbreakable code: carry out death orders supposedly given by fate itself.

With wickedly brilliant tutors, including the Fraternity’s enigmatic leader, Sloan (Morgan Freeman), Wes grows to enjoy all the power he ever wanted. But, slowly, he begins to realize there is more to his dangerous associates than meets the eye and as he wavers between newfound heroism and vengeance, Wes comes to learn what no one could ever teach him: he alone controls his destiny.

This movie had everything. Although it started a little slow and dragged at a couple of points, for the most part this movie did everything cinema is supposed to do. It brought up feelings of anger and resentment in my own hum-drum life and I could not help but cheer as Wes took his life into his own hands more and more. You felt that he represented all of us in some way and that made it easy to cheer him on in his quest for vengeance and the truth.

The special effects in the movie were superb, putting the original Matrix to shame. Based on the previews, many were scared that this was only going to be a glorified version of the Matrix and you could draw some parallels to it, but the movie does a good enough job of drawing you in that you do not think of it until long after the credits have rolled. There is a scene towards the end that reminds you of the bank job scene from the Matrix, but only in that the Wanted version completely craps on that. This movie interwove action and special effects successfully on a level rarely seen in cinema nowadays.

A good way of describing this is a movie loosely based on a comic book. The background on this movie of course is that it is based on a Top Cow graphic novel by Mark Millar and although it took a great deal of liberties from the comic, it can be forgiven because the movie was so all-around solid. Taking advantage of the positive feedback of a fellow 2nd tier’s success in Dark Horse’s Hellboy and its coming sequel, it was nice to see Top Cow put out a great movie like this and that hopefully it helps pave the way for other 2nd tier publishers to start scripting their stories for cinema.

In terms of acting, everyone was solid. Although I am unsure if Morgan Freeman yelling “Shoot that Mother F***er!” was supposed to be as humorous as it was, everything else was very believable from him. It’s interesting to see him taking on all these comic book character roles now after winning an Academy Award. James McAvoy played his role well enough that could propel him to star, if not at least cult star status. Angelina Jolie was solid as usual, especially the gratuitous nudity scene where we see her walking out of the Fraternity’s healing spas and we get a full five seconds of her bare buttocks. Fantastic, absolutely fantastic. Common did well enough in his acting debut I suppose, even though he only had about six lines, but that is what happens when you create a whole new character from the original comic script.

Overall, I went into this movie with low expectations because of awful trailer previews and came out surprisingly pleased. I would recommend this movie to anyone because it was all around a great experience with solid acting, awesome special effects, and an engaging plot. I give it 4.5 naked Angelina Jolie butt cheeks out of 5.

-Ray Carsillo

RAY NO SMASH HULK MOVIE!!! (My review of the Incredible Hulk)

The last time I saw the Hulk, I was with my dad and we both walked away sorely disappointed. For this Hulk, we were together again and walked away with a much better taste in our mouths. This Hulk is a completely different story to the first Hulk movie and does not reference it really in any way. It starts with Bruce Banner trying to control his anger issues in Brazil while working in a bottling plant. There is a mishap and a drop of his blood makes it into one of the bottles. Someone drinks the bottle back in the United States (customary Stan Lee cameo) and the army tracks Banner back to the bottling plant. Bring in special agent Emil Blonsky for the trip and the stage is set ladies and gentlemen. Blonsky and his group engage Banner in a thrilling chase through the villas of Brazil that ends back in the bottling plant and the Hulk finally emerges. The Hulk escapes and Blonsky’s pride is hurt and he wants a second crack at it.

General Ross then uncorks the super-soldier serum, so conveniently colored blue (Captain America tease) and injects Blonsky. Banner begins the trek back to the United States to find help after being on the run for we find out later turns out to be years. He finds Betty and he also finds the army and a doped up Blonsky. Hulk SMASH puny human and escapes with Betty. The army thinks that if Blonsky is going survive, he will be a paraplegic, only to find out that the super soldier serum fixes him as good as new in about two days time. The General is stunned, but pleased as Blonsky says he is ready for round 3.

Meanwhile, Betty and Bruce make it to NYC to find Dr. Samuel Sterns, an expert in radiation poisoning who thinks he can devise a cure. Unbeknownst to Bruce, a blood sample he gave to Sterns has since been synthesized into hundreds of samples. Bruce says that after the procedure, they must all be destroyed. Sterns argues but they agree to proceed with the test on Bruce before they do anything further. They succeed in subduing a transformation, but still do not know if they have cured Banner completely of the Hulk when Blonsky and his strike team hit. Blonsky is sorely disappointed when Banner does not transform and stays behind with Sterns as Banner is carted away to be dissected at an army base. Blonsky then threatens Sterns to dose him with Gamma radiation and some of Banner’s blood. Thus, we have the birth of the Abomination. Sterns is thrown across the room where some of Banner’s blood samples drip into an open wound in Sterns’ head, which swells slightly. Can anyone say “LEADER”?! Anyway, Abomination destroys the rest of the lab and then starts wreaking havoc. Word gets back to the General and Banner tells him he is the only who can fight him. We have one of the most amazing fight scenes ever, Hulk wins, and then he runs away to the Canadian countryside.

Now that you have the synopsis, here is the review. AMAZING. Really well done all around. First off, they got everything right for the most part. They took liberties with little things, but it is ok. I also love the references to everything that came before them. Betty buys Bruce a few change of clothes including a pair of purple sweatpants (reference to the original comics) and Bruce makes fun of her for it. Also, they play the music from the Bill Bixby/Lou Ferrigno Hulk TV Show whenever Bruce is hitchhiking along from South America to NYC which was a stroke of genius. Add in that Lou plays the voice of the Hulk when Hulk yells “HULK SMASH” and they really did justice to the past and the present. The visuals were stunningly real and you really felt for the characters. Everyone gave a great performance from William Hurt as the General, Tim Roth as Blonsky, Ed Norton of course as Banner, and Liv Tyler as Betty, who looks so hot throughout this movie. Incase she ever sees this, I love you Liv, please contact me for a good time. Hahaha. Having Robert Downey Jr. come in at the end as well to talk to the General about the Avengers was also a great touch on Marvel’s part, which means Hulk WILL be an Avenger. Whether or not it will be Edward Norton is another question. Avenger watch, Iron Man and Hulk are CONFIRMED now. Also, I like how at the end they had Banner in the Canadian countryside trying to learn not to suppress the Hulk, but to control him. This gives them the open of having intelligent Hulk in the coming movies. Also, the hint at having the Leader as the next villain is brilliant and I think the obvious move for them. All around, the movie was solid. It did drag at a few points, but the entire Hulk series is the build up to when Banner actually Hulks out so you cannot fault them for that. Overall, great character development, superb special effects, an amazing plot, and Liv Tyler make me one happy comic book geek. The Hulk successfully smashes 4.5 out of 5 stars.

-Ray Carsillo

Ultimate X-men TPB Vol 1

Hi Readers,

This week, because this was a slow week in terms of good stories to read, I decided to write about a Trade Paperback that a friend bought for me. He got me Ultimate X-Men TPB Vol 1 and I LOOOOOOOVE this book. Lately I've been hardcore into TPBs because they concentrate an entire story into one book. Also, stories from the past have been better than current stories lately. I have all of the issues inside of this TPB but having it in a TPB makes reading/appreciating it that much more convenient better.

One of the best qualities about this TPB is the "new" interpretation of the character Magneto. In the original story of Magneto, he didn't find out that Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch were his children until much later. In this rendition of the villain, he has an established paternal relationship with them when the story begins. The beauty of this new story, is that Quicksilver is practically desperate to prove his worth to his father, and yearns for his adulation. In response, not only is Magneto cruel, but he actually enjoys "twisting the knife" into the back of his son. When Cyclops joins Magneto's camp, poor Quicksilver has to sit back and watch Cyclops receive everything that he[Quicksilver] has wanted all his life. The best quote in all six issues is "if Quicksilver is around tonight would you do me a favor and address me as father when we're standing in his presence." Don't you love the cruelty!

While reading this, I ask myself "if I were a mutant in this book, would I be an X-Man, or join the Brotherhood?" I would love to say that I would want to be an X-Man but Magneto does too great of a job making the Brotherhood the obvious choice. In America, Sentinels are flying around blasting mutants into tomato paste in the middle of the day. I'm not going to say I would be involved with terrorist activities like the Brotherhood, but I definitely couldn't picture myself risking my own neck for someone else, just to have them break a bottle over my head when I'm done saving them from their own Sentinels. I would be on the first thing smokin', flying over to the Savage Land. In this case, F@#$ peaceful coexistence between humans and mutants, I'm going to the "Savage Land" where it's safe LMAO.

@~~~~~~~}~~~~~~~~~ Devin Peacock

Secret Invasion Issue #3

Hi Readers,

First off, let me just say how great is it that this issue opens up with a Skrull Jarvis! He politely asked SHIELD if they could surrender and I thought about the idea of a murderer telling a corpse, right after the kill to "have a nice day" LOL. This means that something really bad is happening to the victim, but it's done in a nice way.
JUST as predicted in my blog about Issue #2, THE YOUNG AVENGERS GOT THEIR ASSES HANDED TO THEM!! I loved the battle scene just because I loved watching the Amalgamated Skrulls kick ass. Once the Initiative recruits joined in, I thought that would have made a difference... but I was wrong... big time!
So is Tony Stark a Skrull!?!? In this issue, the Skrull Queen(who is parading as Spider-Woman) confesses to Iron Man her true identity after "choking a bitch(Echo)". She lets the cat out of the bag and admits that Tony is really a Skrull. TONY FUCKING STARK IS REALLY A FUCKING SKRULL! I would love to say that I didn't see that coming, but there was way too much gossip that leaked about this for it to be a shock. Maybe this is just a ploy to make the readers think that Tony is a Skrull when he really isn't. I think... Maybe... I dunno... I'm so confused... So I guess Marvel is still doing their job at keeping me confused.

@~~~~~~}~~~~~ Devin Peacock

X-Force Issue 4

Hi Readers,

Where do I start with this issue? Even though I like the idea of there being a group of X-characters to pro actively battle the Purifiers, this story is starting to make very little sense. I will say though, that I am tired of Wolverine being in EVERY X-BOOK. I like Wolverine a lot as a character but it's stupid and insulting to readers to say "none of these stories are happening at the same time" when there are about 6 separate titles that include him within that same week.

I personally love the Archangel persona, but they could have found a better way to bring him back than just throwing a senseless story together. In this book, they explain that the Apocalypse strain that gave Angel his metallic wings, is still in every cell in his body, so they use this to give a Purifier army, metallic wings. So stupid! If Angel's blood could give anyone super powerful wings, then all the other X-men who Angel saved with his blood in the past should be flying around throwing metal feathers at this point. The fact that Rahne ripped off Angel's wings and THIS caused him to revert back to the Archangel persona is even more ridiculous. Why should his wings have to be ripped off for him to revert back to blue skin and metallic wings? THAT MAKES NO SENSE.

Speaking of senseless, why was Rahne given cocaine of all things, to seemingly put her out of commission. COCAINE? I mean really! I laughed to myself at first, but then said "do the writers of the X-Men HATE the characters?" Within the past couple years they poorly tried to get rid of Rahne's accent, they killed off her adopted mother, Moira MacTaggert, they killed her close friend Douglas Ramsey, they violently took away her mutant powers(which were later restored) and now they give her a fatal does of cocaine and make her a follower of the Purifiers! Why are they putting these X characters through so much? In my opinion, the X-characters are being put through waaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy too much as characters. Pretty soon, each X-character will be so warped with drama and suffering that there will be a point of no return. Hopefully marvel writers will get this franchise together... and soon!

@~~~~~}~~~~~~ Devin Peacock